Bender Gets Mavericky
by M.W. Roach
Summary: After Bender quits Planet Express, Fry issues a ban on all Human Public Displays of Affection; Bender falls for a robot built in the likeness of Sarah Palin.


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* * *

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Futurama: "Bender Gets Mavericky"

_By: MW Roach_

The crew casually turned their heads as the auto-door popped open revealing Professor Farnsworth; the handle to the hover-dolly in his withered hand; the dolly and object sitting upon it conveniently obscured from vision.

"Good news, everyone! You will be making a very special delivery today!" His voice croaked with enthusiasm.

"Can't." Bender snapped, his shield pulled over his eyes. "Downloading porn."

"Me too." Fry concurred, flipping through the pages of his monthly 'Hot Earth Chicks and other Sexy Beings' magazine.

With an agitated grunt, Leela grabbed the magazine from Fry's hands, rolled it up and whacked Bender in the head with it; interrupting the download process. Obediently, she saluted Farnsworth. "What're we delivering, professor?"

Finally, Farnsworth revealed the dolly and the colossal golden trophy that sat upon it. "This is the object you'll be delivering!" He snipped gleefully.

The crew simply gasped at the enormous trophy, which was oddly shaped like a penis.

"Hey! Are you guys going to Homophoria? They've got a great dance club!" Amy cheered excitedly, hoping to tag along.

With a sigh, Fry got up from his seat. "I'll go get my impenetrable titanium underpants."

"No, no, no! This isn't going to Homophoria, you morons!" Farnsworth hissed.

"Can I still wear my titanium underpants? They make me feel safe."

"Where exactly are we going professor?" Leela inquired, seeing her dim-witted colleagues weren't in the least bit interested.

"Better not be anyplace disgusting!" Bender added.

"Oh, my no. This trophy is the Giant Golden Erect-torial award. It's being presented to Adult-film maker Larry Flint's head on the planet Rock-a-Porn 9 in the Galaxy Erotica."

"Oh, man! I hate that Galaxy! Nothing but half-naked squishy humans swapping DNA and telling dirty jokes…I'm not going!" Bender turned away, arms crossed like a spoiled child.

"You have to go! You're the only one strong enough to lift this massive johnson!" The professor ordered.

"Why can't they just use the hover-dolly?" Bender argued, intent on staying where he was.

"I need that to haul my Giant Golden Ass." The professor turned and pointed to an unusually large golden statue of an ass. "Now THAT'S going to Homophoria next week…"

"Stupid planet Rock-a-Porn 9…" Bender groaned. "You know, it's not even a real planet! It's just an asteroid orbiting a black hole!"

"Ah, yes…the G Spot…" The professor recalled the name of the black hole dreamily.

"It's not the size of the planet that matters…it's how it orbits that counts…" Fry chuckled.

"That doesn't even make any sense, you pea-brained imbecile!" The professor snapped at his uncle.

"Yeah, Fry." Bender glared at his orange-headed comrade.

"Well, so long, everyone! I'm going to go polish my Ass…" Farnsworth called as he walked into the kitchen to locate his Ass-polisher.

"Stupid Professor and his giant ass…" Bender muttered dryly.

"Bender, stop muttering, grab your tally-whacker and cram it into the cargo." Leela ordered.

Leela glared as Bender mocked her sentence is a nasally, obnoxious tone. Her anger was quickly remedied as she opened the door to the ship, crushing Bender's head and legs into his body as the loading ramp landed neatly on top of him.

* * *

The Planet Express ship landed on Planet Rock-a-Porn 9, parking near a sign that read: **ALL DELIVERS ACCEPTED FROM THE FRONT AND FROM BEHIND**. As Bender, with the giant trophy on his back, exited the ship and approached a young woman with very large fake boobs at the entrance of Rock-a-Porn 9's Implan-itary Pub.

"Where do you want this thing?" Bender groaned under the weight of the object.

"The Erect-torial Award is being presented in the rear of the building." The woman answered cheerfully, pointing to the other side of the planet.

"Ah, crap!" Bender moaned as he proceeded with the long trek to the back of the asteroid.

---------------

Meanwhile, Fry and Leela entered the Pub. Booths and stations were set up through the entire building as the 69th Annual Rockin' Porn Convention was underway. A large banner strung across the ceiling read: **HIV Tests No Longer Required! Everyone Has it Now!**

Fry approached a young woman at one of the booths. "Hey, how's it going?"

"Hello, sir!" She greeted. "Would you like to try our new Penis Enlargement Ray? It adds up to 4 inches 50% of the time."

"Only half the time?"

"Yes. The other half the time, it makes it fall off…"

Fry looked down at his pants nervously. "…Hmm…I don't know…4 inches you say? Well, I've always been a gambling man." He unzipped his pants.

_----------------_

Leela, out of extreme curiosity, approached a booth operated by none other then Zapp Brannigan. "Zapp? What're you doing here?"

"Leela! My sweet, sexy mutant Cyclopes…You don't know this about me, but I dabble in the business of, uh…" He stopped to rub his valor uniform. "…Adult films."

"Ugh…who would put YOU in a porno?" Leela shuddered with distaste.

"I'm a freelance star. I make my own movies. Kif here is the cameraman!" Zapp playfully slapped Kif in his boneless back.

"Just when I thought my job couldn't get anymore degrading…" Kif groaned embarrassingly.

"Not that I watch a whole lot of porn…but what movies have you been in?" Leela inquired.

"Plenty! Why, I've starred in such films as "All Dongs go to Heaven" and "The Little somewhat-bent-to-the-left Rascals". My most recent role consisted of my character, a daring space explorer, being stranded on a planet of hot, sexy, unwilling primates. Kif, what was the title of that film?"

Kif sighed as he held up a movie cover of Zapp trying to make out with a frightened she-monkey. "Planet of the rApes."

---------------

Bender approached a clear tube, still lugging the trophy on his back. The tube, a computer, beeped responsively at his presence.

"Please insert object into Presentation tube." The computer requested in a feminine voice.

Bender, with a lazy groan, attempt to blindly poke around the entrance of the tube before finally getting the trophy inside. He wiped his forehead tiredly. "Whew! Got it!"

"…Is it in yet?" The computer asked in a teasing tone.

"Up yours!"

----------------

Fry exited the Emergency Medical Technicians tent, zipping up his pants.

"Thanks for reattaching it, doc." Fry smiled.

"No problem kid, just try not to pull on it whole lot for a while." The doctor informed, disappearing inside the tent.

Fry shrugged. "No promises."

"Fry, there you are!" Leela called. "C'mon, let's go find Bender."

Fry pointed behind Leela. "Here he comes!"

Bender approached with a limp, his hand on his lower back. "Let's get the hell off this planet before I sue somebody!"

Leela rolled her eye and sighed. "What happened?"

"I was delivering the stupid 14 karat wiener, minding my own business, when I slipped and fell in this puddle of yogurt!" He turned and showed the white curdles dripping off his rear.

Both Fry and Leela shuddered. "UGH! Disgusting!"

Fry backed up, his hand over his mouth, trying to hold back the heaves. "Bender, I don't think that's yogurt…"

"Well, whatever the hell it is, if it caused any damage to my ass, THIS WHOLE PLANET IS GOING DOWN!" Benders threat echoed throughout the entire building as a cheerful "woo hoo! I love goin' down!" could be heard from offscreen.

* * *

_PX: The next day…_

Bender spotted Amy in front of the TV wearing a sports bra and short spandex shorts. He grunted with disgust.

"Ugh! Put your clothes on, you skank! I don't want to see your pale, squishy body!"

"I'm watching my exercise video, you jerk!" Amy snapped, pressing her abs against the screen. A large ray scanned across her stomach, making it tight and well sculpted. Pleased, she backed up and posed in front of the mirror. "Ah, that's better! Well worth the risk of stomach cancer!"

"Damn humans…" Bender muttered as he left that room and entered Hermes' office.

Inside, Hermes and his wife exchanged a kiss on the cheek.

"Dank you fo bringin' my Manwhich, Labarbera! You saved me da liberty of filling out my forgotten lunch forms!"

"No problem, huzband! You know I love ya!"

"Ugh, for lord's sake, get a private room, you two!" Bender snapped, interrupting the romantic moment.

"We're in my private office, you simple-minded Cyborg!" Hermes growled.

"Well, then get a lock on your door!"

"It WAS locked!"

"Well, then get one I CAN'T pick with my Swiss army knife! Not everyone wants to watch you two slobber each other down!" That said, Bender left in a huff. He stopped and observed Fry handing Leela a piece of paper.

"The professor axed me to give you this. It's a list of the creams and ointments you need to get for him."

Leela shuddered, but nodded in understanding. "Gross…well, thanks Fry." She placed her hand on his shoulder.

Bender finally exploded in a rage. "DAMMIT ALL! IS THERE NO ROOM I CAN ENTER WITHOUT SEEING YOU DISGUSTING HUMANS PERFORMING YOUR VILE MATING RITUALS!?"

Fry and Leela turned, confused by Bender's sudden eruption. "Huh?"

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT UP TO MY ANTENNEA WITH YOU MEATBAGS AND YOUR CONSTANT SEXUAL ADVANCES ON EACH OTHER! I QUIT!"

Fry and Leela gasped in surprise. Fry decided to try and convince his robotic friend to stay put. "Bender, no wait! You can't quit! If you quit, who will lay the blame on me for setting Dr. Zoidberg's medical records on fire with your cigars? Who will help me gain confidence in myself needed to help you rob a liquor store? Who, I ask you? WHO?"

Bender shook his head and turned away. "I'm sorry, Fry. But I just can't stomach human affection any longer."

Leela moaned, rolling her eye. "You don't even have a stomach."

"Oh, gee thanks! Now I feel like a complete outcast! I don't belong here…good bye, Planet Express!" With that, Bender walked out the door.

"No! Bender, wait!" Fry called, but to no avail. Exasperated, he turned to Leela. "Leela, how could you be so heartless? Poor Bender…don't worry buddy, I'll fix everything!"

"Oh, no…you're going to do something stupid and mindless, aren't you?" Leela asked, knowing the answer was a resounding yes.

"You bet your giant eye I am! As everyone in this room as my witness, I'm gonna bring Bender back the only way I know how…"

Leela shrugged. "Lure him with beer?"

"No! I'm gonna make a movement to ban all human public displays of affection in all of New New York!" He stopped and looked at Dr. Zoidberg's office door."But, first things first…" After about 20 minutes, Fry exited Zoidberg's office. "Thanks for reattaching it, Dr. Zoidberg!"

"No problem, Fry. But please, don't meddle with it for a while!" Zoidberg advised.

"No promises."

* * *

Fry stood quietly in Mayor Poopenmeyer's office as the mayor attempted to decipher Fry's strange request.

"So, let me get this straight…you want me to issue a ban on all Public Displays of Affection?" The mayor asked, confused.

"No…just the human ones." Fry shrugged.

"Why is this? Do you have a sexual stalker?"

"No."

"An intense fear of intimacy?"

"No…not anymore anyway…"

"Your robot friend quit his job because he's disgusted with human affection?"

"No…oh, wait, yeah! That's the one!"

The mayor thought for a moment, then nodded. "Well, usually, I don't do this kind of thing, but both my wife and my mistress left me for the same hockey player so, okay." Grabbing his microphone, which conveniently allowed his voice to permeate the entire city, the mayor issued the new law.

"**ATTENTION NEW NEW YORKERS: AS OF TODAY, ALL HUAMN DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION ARE HENCEFORTH BANNDED. ANY HUMANS FOUND HOLDING HANDS, KISSING, HUGGING, PERFORMING THE HEIMLICH OR MAKING FLITHY LOVE IN THE STREETS WILL BE ARRESTED AND PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW."**

Humans in the streets began shouting and arguing, waving their fists at the tall office building.

Poopenmeyer decided to wrap up the speech. **"THIS NEW LAW SHALL BE CALLED: THE FRY LAW. THAT IS ALL."**

The disagreeable humans continued their shouting and threats, a distinct "Kill Fry!" could be heard in the background.

The mayor turned off the microphone. "There ya go kid. I'm sure your robot friend heard that. Good luck walking home."

Fry sighed, content that his idea was actually working. He turned to leave. "Thanks Mayor. Oh, before I go…is there a Doctor in this building with a Reattachment Ray?"

* * *

Bender, dressed in black while picking a lock to the massive Japanese-owned Kamasaki Android Corporation, whimpered and shook his head.

"Oh, Fry! You're such a pal! I guess I don't have to make a living as a broad-daylight cat burglar after all…" He stopped abruptly to apply make-up whiskers, then cracked the lock and entered the a large sack with all sorts of valuables, he hauled it over his shoulder and started towards the door.

Bender chuckled lightly to himself. "Man, I can't believe this place doesn't have a burglar alarm!"He glanced at the alarm system, which was thought activated. "Ah, crap!" He groaned as the alarm went off.

Bender attempted a clean getaway, but a large box covered in cobwebs in the corner caught his eye. "Ooh!" He looked on with interest.

He attempted to grab the heavy box, but found the items too awkward to get them both through the door. He dropped them and backed up, rubbing his chin. "Hmm, let's see…do I go for the bag of valuables, or the mystery box that could be filled with garbage for all I know…" He instinctively reached for the bag, but then retracted with second thoughts. "Mystery box or bag of valuables? What's a robot to do!?"

He turned as the footfalls of the cops could be heard. With a last minute decision, Bender snagged the box. "Oh, I can't resist!" He chuckled as he made his hasty exit to a nearby alley.

He removed his burglar gear and shoved it all into his compartment, then turned his attention to the box. "Okay, let's see what possibly valuable object I've come across_…_"A small army knife popped up from one of his fingers. He slashed the tape and opened the box folds. He gasped and backed away, unable to tear his gaze from the contents of the box.

"Oh my Daffodil!" Inside, Bender stared at what appeared to be a slumbering nude human female with dainty glasses and long dark hair in a high bun. "A human!?" He raged. " I gave up my bag of goodies for a lousy, worthless human? Dammit!"

He kicked the box with frustration, causing the bubblewrap around the being to fall to the sides, revealing a programming guide and an 'on' button. Bender moved in closer, squinting his eyes.

"What the?…that's not a human! It's a robot! But it looks just like a human!" He poked it, his finger disappearing into what felt like flesh. "Ew, and it feels squishy like one too! What kind of abomination is this? I oughta hunt down the sick scum who made this creature and kick his ass! But first…I'd better destroy this monster…" He looked at the button and read it out loud."Turn me on…Oh, I'll turn you on alright…" He pushed the button and, instantly, the robot's eyes popped open. The fembot glanced at Bender and smiled.

"I am Palin-Bot Model 0069." She said in a friendly Canadian accent. "Codename: Palori. I will give you pleasure now." She stepped out of the box, a lustful look in her eyes.

Bender tossed up his hands and took a step back. "Whoa, lady! Back off! You ain't my type! Human figures just don't do it for me! Now, where's your self-destruct button?"

"I will give you pleasure now…" She repeated; shoving Bender against the brick wall.

Bender struggled, trying to push her away. "Hey! Get away from me! No means no! Leave me alone!"

Palori began sparking violently as she snuggled nearer to him.

Bender's struggles became less desperate. "I'm warning you! I!…hey…hey, that feels pretty good…"

"I will give you pleasure now…" She repeated, smoke sizzling from her circuits.

"I!…you!…Uh…Oh, what the hell? Lay it on me, baby…" Unable to resist the fembots' advances any longer, Bender closed his eyes and retaliated with his own sparks. Both giggled as Bender's pleasure programming commenced.

* * *

_PX…the next day_

The crew, excluding the professor, snapped their heads in surprise as Bender entered the room. "I'm back, Chumps! Miss me?"

"Bender! You came back!" Fry exclaimed.

Bender put his arm around Fry's shoulder. "I sure am, buddy! Thanks to you! Banning human displays of affection was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me…well, except for that thing my new girlfriend did for me last night…" He ended with a dirty giggle.

The crew gasped, stunned by the news.

Fry pulled away suspiciously. "New girlfriend? What new girlfriend?"

Bender walked over to the door and cleared his throat. "Ahem…Ladies, Gentlemen and Fry…I'd like you all to meet…Palori."

Palori entered the room wearing what appeared to be a very expensive red business dress. The crew gasped even louder at her humanoid appearance.

"Bender! Your new girlfriend…is an adorable…HUMAN?" Leela stammered.

"Hell no! I hate humans! Palori is a one of a kind fembot with the sad disfiguring appearance of an adorable human."

"Hey, that's MY outfit!" Amy shouted.

"It sure is!" Bender laughed. "I snatched a cheap outfit from Leela's room, but Palori preferred something a little more corporate and a lot more expensive. So, I snagged this for her instead. Isn't that right, sugar lips?"

"Fashion is my #1 love next to pleasure! You Betcha!" Palori stated in an unbearably cheerful manner.

"Where'd you get her anyway?" Leela asked, seemingly impressed.

"I rescued her from that Japanese robot factory down the street. You know…Come-a-sucky?"

"That's 'Kamasaki', Bender." Leela corrected with a groan.

"Eh, I like my pronunciation better." He turned towards Palori and tapped his cheek. "How about giving lovable ol' Bender some sugar, baby?"

Palori obeyed and kissed him; shoving him onto the table. The crew grunted and groaned uncomfortably, trying their hardest not to watch as the robots rolled around, Palori sparking and smoking violently. Fry watched with extreme jealousy. After several minutes, the two finally parted.

Bender chuckled. "Is she frisky or what?"

The crew responded with some grunts and glares.

"Well, so long, losers! Me and Palori are gonna go make nasty robot love in the Professor's bed."

"But, the professor is still IN bed!" Leela shuddered.

Bender shrugged. "So? C'mon, baby." He extended his arm around Palori's waist.

"I will give you pleasure now?" Palori inquired.

"You Betcha!" Bender winked as they disappeared behind the automatic door.

With the robots gone, the crew focused their glares on Fry.

"This is all your fault, you know." Leela growled.

"Hey! Is it MY fault that I proposed a ban on all human affections just as Bender decided to hook up with a humanoid robot girlfriend?" Fry argued.

"YES!" The crew snapped simultaneously.

"They even issued a dress code for humans!" Amy got to her feet, reveling that her sweat suit top was covering her completely. "Look! Now I can't even show off my well sculpted cute abs anymore!"

"Needa can me wife!" Hermes argued. "And dats de only reason I married her!"

Leela hovered over Fry threateningly. "Fry, you have to do something. Get the Mayor to lift the ban!"

"I can't Leela! If I do that, then Bender will quit again!"

"Well then do something about that insufferably cute Palori!" Amy chimed in. "Break them up!"

"I can't do that either!" Fry whimpered.

"Why not?" Leela growled, growing impatient.

Fry shrugged and grinned slightly. "Because…I kinda like watching them make-out…"

"FRY!" The crew roared, causing Fry to leap to his feet.

"Alright, alright! I'll try getting the Mayor to lift the ban!"

* * *

_Mayor's office._

"No?" Fry gasped in disbelief. "What do you mean no? Don't you miss sex?"

The mayor swiped at the golf ball with his club. "I did at first, but now I have more time to try new things! Besides, I thought you _wanted_ the ban. What changed your mind? Robot get a hot new girlfriend that looks like a human, yet is NOT a holographic projection of a celebrity?"

"Something like that. So, you won't lift the ban?" Fry made one final plea.

"Hell no!" The mayor snapped. "It's gonna take a lot more then you asking politely for me to lift this ban. Now get out. You're standing where my new pinball machine is going."

Fry sighed and turned away. "Well, I guess its Plan B…oh, wait, one more question…"

"Reattachment Ray is still on the 2nd floor." The Mayor informed.

Fry sighed with relief. "Oh good. Well, after I'm done with that, then I'll move onto Plan B…"

* * *

_Mom's Friendly Robot Company…_

Mom hauled off and slapped Fry in the face with a sickening crack. "So, you're the nosey bastard that initiated that ban! I oughta cram your ass so full of lead that you'll be puking #2 pencils for the rest of your worthless life!"

Rubbing his cheek, Fry attempted to defend himself. "Look, I realize I made a huge mistake! But…"

Mom's open palm once again made contact with Fry's face. "CRAM A BASTARD IN YOUR CRAP HOLE, I'M STILL TALKING!"

"OW!" Fry flinched.

"What the hell are you still doing in here?" Mom hissed, ready to strike again.

"I need your help! Please, there's this robot my friend is dating, and I need to know how to deactivate it! It's unlike any robot I've ever seen here in the future. It looks just like a human, feels like a human…and it likes expensive clothes."

Mom lifted her eyes with interest. "Looks…and feels…like a human? Aw, crap…"

"What is it?"

Mom removed a remote from her bra and pressed a button. A screen appeared from above, showing a robot with human skin slowly forming around it. A second one appeared beside it; it was the same model as Palori.

"That's the one!" Fry pointed excitedly.

Mom closed her eyes and shook her head. "Damn…your robot has come across what's known as a Pleasure-Bot."

"Pleasure-Bot? Never heard of it."

"Well, if you'd shut your puke-hole for a minute and let me explain…"

"Sorry…"

"Like I was saying, Pleasure-Bots were invented in the year 2010. They made an upgraded model designed in 2012 in celebration of their new president, Sarah Palin."

"Who the hell is Sarah Palin? I always thought Hillary Clinton would be the first woman president."

"DON'T INTERUPPT ME, SPIT MAGGOT!" Mom's hand met with Fry's face, only this time, as a closed fist. Quickly overcoming her rage, she continued. "They discontinued them due to a flaw in the programming."

"What kind of flaw?" Fry cried, rubbing his face tenderly, flinching as Mom roared her response.

"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW, YOU DUMB BASTARD? I DIDN'T CREATE IT!"

"You…didn't? But, I thought you created all robots?"

Mom sighed and turned towards the window, glaring at her Japanese competitors. "No…those sick Japanese scum-puddles at the Kamasaki Android Corporation built the Pleasure-Bots. I wouldn't stoop that low. I'm a firm believer that humans should pleasure themselves."

"I agree!"

"Is that all you need to know?" Mom asked gently, turning back towards Fry.

"Yep…that's about it."

"Good…NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE, YOU CRAP MUNCHING THUNDER WHORE!" She sounded off, giving Fry one last abusive strike in the face.

* * *

_PX…3 days later._

Fry sipped some Slurm while resting on the couch, his eyes glued to the TV.

"…And that concludes our segment on The Penis Enlargement Ray and the dangers of using it." Linda grinned, arranging her papers and setting them before her.

"Morbo is pleased by this news. I shall order 3 million of these Peh-nis Enlarger Rays and send them to my home planet. Earthlings will not survive long if their males cannot breed." The sadistic alien overlord ended with a maniacal laugh, Linda joining him with a light chuckle.

"Oh great." Fry groaned. "Now they tell me…"

Bender and Palori entered the room and stood in front of the TV. Fry glared with annoyance.

"Hey, Fry! Check out this new thing I taught Palori! C'mon sweetie! Show him what you can do with your legs!" Bender encouraged.

Palori proceed to do a handstand split. Fry gasped and turned away quickly, only to look back again as her dress lifted over her head. It was apparent that Bender didn't understand the meaning of underpants or why one should steal them. Bender quickly picked up on Fry's reaction and stared suspiciously at the thing Fry seemed so attracted to. "Wha?…Oh, that?" Bender pointed. "Yeah, I'm not sure what that's for…maybe an oil output or something…"

"More like an input…" Fry muttered.

"Either way, isn't that a neat trick?"

Fry hummed and hawed uncomfortably.

Quickly becoming bored, Bender changed the subject. "Well, we're gonna do it here right now. C'mon, baby. Let's cross wires!"

Fry, unable to stand it any longer, leapt to his feet and shouted angrily. "That's enough, Bender!"

"What?" Bender asked innocently.

"You and Palori! All you two ever do now is have sex! And in front of everybody!" Fry yelled, pointing accusingly at Palori.

"Ah, you're just jealous!" Bender brushed it off.

"Damn right I am! I put a ban on all human displays of affection for you! And this is how you repay me? By letting me watch you two doing the nasty in our workspace?"

"Fry! I'm surprised at this sudden unexpected, unprovoked outburst!" Bender shouted, not really sounding that surprised.

"You want a surprise?" Fry threatened, eyeing Leela as she entered the room. Fry grabbed her roughly and planted a big, wet one on her.

Bender gasped. "Ugh! That's disgusting! I find that offensive!"

"I agree with Bender!" Leela spat, wiping her mouth. "Fry, you idi…OW!"

Leela's sentence went unfinished as Fry plopped her on the ground and reached for Palori. "I'll show you offensive!" To Bender's absolute shock, Fry pulled Palori into his arms and kissed her. Speechless, Bender could only show is surprise with an over-extended girly squeal.

Fry released Palori, who seemed very pleased. In her mind, her true programming began to take affect. _Pleasure-Circuits: Activated. Primary Pleasure-giver: Phillip J. Fry._

Fry glared at Bender with an arrogant grin.

"You…you bastard!" Bender screamed. "You double-crossing bastard! I'll kill you!"

Fry pushed Palori onto the couch just as Bender lunged at him. Bender slapped Fry in the face a few times, and the two engaged in a very unmanly slap-fight. Leela pulled them apart.

"That's enough fighting like girls, you two!" She ordered, tossing Fry to the side.

Bender pulled away and grabbed Palori by the arm, unaware at the fact that she was staring lustfully at Fry.

"That's it! I've had enough of your crap, Fry! I want you out of my closet by tomorrow morning!" Bender demanded.

"I'll be out of there by tonight!" Fry called back, turning away stubbornly.

"Fine!" Bender said angrily, walking away.

"Fine!" Fry agreed.

"Fine!" Bender continued, even though he was no longer in the room.

"Fine…" Fry muttered quietly to himself.

"Fry, you idiot! Where do you plan on sleeping tonight?" Leela asked snidely.

"I dunno." Fry shrugged. "I was hoping you'd invite me over."

Leela glared at him simply, arms crossed.

"So…is that a yes?" He asked hopefully.

"No!" Leela shouted, still often amazed at just how dense Fry was.

Fry sighed and sat on the couch. "Fine…I'll just sleep here tonight."

* * *

_That night…4:00 a.m. _

Fry sleepily slide himself off the couch and headed for the bathroom. Upon stumbling out, he found himself face to face with Palori. He gasped and drew back, slamming into the door that had closed behind him.

"Palori! Wha…what're you doing here?"

"I snuck out of Bender's apartment. I came to see you. Fry…I will give you pleasure now…" She leaned over and kissed him.

Fry hastily pulled her away. "No wait! You're Bender's girlfriend! Plus you're a robot!"

Palori sighed and turned away. "It's time you learned the Maverick-honest truth, Fry. You see, I was designed to pleasure humans, not other robots. I was also programmed to feel pleasure…and buy really nice clothes using taxpayers money!…I hadn't felt anything being with Bender…but when you kissed me, I realized my true programming. Oh, let me pleasure you Fry…and you can pleasure me in return."

"I can't!" Fry said, disappointed.

"Of course you can! I wasn't meant for Bender, don't you see? I'm too painfully cute to be with a robot!" Palori begged.

"No! I meant that I don't have much experience when it comes to pleasuring the 2nd party."

Palori kissed Fry again. "Well, then you'll learn, won't you?"

* * *

_The next morning. _

Hermes, Amy and Leela sat around the table. Bender entered, looked around the room, then grunted and turned to his crewmates. "Have any of you jerkwads seen Palori anywhere?"

"No." Leela shrugged.

Amy shook her head. "Uh-uh"

"Nope." Hermes murmured, not taking his eyes off his paperwork.

"Hey…where's Fry?" Leela asked suspiciously.

"Who the hell cares?" Bender growled, a hint of sadness in his voice.

Farnsworth entered suddenly, his clothes disheveled and his glasses crooked. "Oh my…I had the strangest dreams these past few days. I dreamt that robots were having rough sex in my bed while I was sleeping in it."

"Hey Professor. You haven't seen my girlfriend around, have you? She's a robot, but looks and feels like a human. She's also into offshore drilling and not answering questions…"

Farnsworth rubbed his chin. "A robot that looks and feels like a human, you say? Oh dear…"

"What kind of robot is it, Professor?" Amy asked.

"It's known as a Pleasure Bot." The old man informed. "They were created solely to give sexual pleasure to the person who activated its pleasure-circuits."

"That's me, baby." Bender said arrogantly as he puffed on a cigar.

"What are you talking about, you moronic machine? You can't give a Pleasure Bot pleasure! Only a human man can do that! Unless, of course, it's a Lez-Bot…"

"But, I activated her! She loves me! She sparks every time we kiss!"

"Those sparks aren't meant to give you pleasure, you stupid Mechano-man. They're a malfunction caused by you. Her circuits are different then yours. Why, the second she feels pleasure brought on by a human, she'll dump your ass!"

"Professor, I've never heard of a Pleasure-Bot. Do they make them anymore?" Leela asked.

"Oh my, no." The professor answered, adjusting his glasses. "You see, there was a flaw in the programming. Turns out the Pleasure Bots would sleep with _anything_ that pleasured them…the whores. They discontinued them in the year 2015, including the Palin model. Yes, nothing but a bunch of robo-whores…"

Zoidberg suddenly entered the room. With a sad groan, he sat at the table, his head in his claws.

Amy grunted at his stench. "What's with you?"

"I woke up last night to get a snack from the garbage. When I returned to my house, someone had locked me out…"

"What house? You live in the broom closet!" Leela said coldly.

"I know…" The lobsterman moaned pathetically.

Bender rubbed his chin, feeling a sudden case of suspicion. "Wait a minute…Palori's gone, Fry's gone, and now someone's locked Dr. Jerkberg out of the broom closet? I think I know what's going on here…"

Bender ran down the hall towards the broom closet, shaking his fists. "Nibbler, if you're chewing on my Banjo, you'll be sorry!"

He stopped at the door and listened carefully. He could clearly hear giggles and moans coming from inside. He gasped at the realization that the situation was far worse then he'd anticipated.

"What the?" With a forceful swing of his leg, he kicked the door open.

Fry sat up, embarrassed, with a blanket covering a large mass on top of him. He smiled nervously as the mass tried to wriggle free. "Uh…Bender! It's not what it looks like!"

Palori tossed the covers off. She looked back at Bender and grinned. Bender could only gasp like a 4-year-old girl at the scene before him.

Fry chuckled embarrassingly. "Okay, maybe it IS what it looks like…"

"Palori! How could you?" Bender whimpered. "I thought _I_ was you little Maverick-maker!"

"It's not working out between us, Bender." Palori shrugged, returning her attention to Fry.

Bender turned away, crying. "Ugh! You're nothing but a whore! A filthy, filthy whore!" That said, he took off down the hallway, balling his eyes out.

"Bender wait!" Fry called desperately, running after his friend stark naked.

Palori leaned back and sighed with frustration, but her spirits quickly lifted when Zoidberg entered the closet.

"Hooray! My house is back!" He cheered as he noticed Palori beneath the blanket.

"Hey, Lobsterman. I will give YOU pleasure now…"

"Hmm?" Zoidberg cooed with interest as the mating fin on his head erected.

* * *

Out in the hallway, Bender sat on the ground, crying. Nude Fry sat next to him, putting his arm around Bender's cold metallic shoulder.

"I'm sorry buddy. I tried to resist her, but I couldn't. She's so persuasive. I can see why people voted for her. She's just so darn cute, and she seems to get cuter each time you see her!"

"I know, pal." Bender sniffled. "I don't blame you…I blame that skanky whore! I should have never activated her in the first place."

"Are you going to be alright?"

Bender sniffled again. "I guess so…but I can't say I won't miss her. She gave great downloads."

"I agree."

Zoidberg stepped out bashfully from behind the corner. "Great! You made up with each other! So, neither of you will be getting back together with Palori?"

Fry shrugged. "No, why?"

"Oh, no reason…" Zoidberg murmured suspiciously.

"Hey, what's that behind your back?" Bender pointed, seeing something dangling.

Zoidberg gave a nervous chuckle. "Umm…I got a little frisky and…" He revealed Palori's disembodied head. "…I broke her."

"Good Lord! What happened to her body?" Fry asked in shock.

Zoidberg fiddled with the hair clamped tightly in his claws. "It exploded…"

Fry and Bender gasped.

"Can I keep the head?" Zoidberg asked innocently.

Bender sighed and motioned with his hand. "Sure, knock yourself out…"

"Hooray! I have a new friend!" Zoidberg cheered as he scuttled away.

Bender and the still very naked Fry got to their feet.

"I'm glad this is all over, Bender." Fry said with relief.

Bender nodded. "Me too, Fry. But what about that law the Mayor passed?"

Fry slapped his forehead. "Oh, crud! I forgot about that! I'm breaking my own Fry Law!"

Amy, who was casually passing by wearing her old outfit, flicked her wrist at the subject. "Oh, you don't have to worry about that. I slept with the mayor and got him to reverse it. But now he won't stop text-messaging me!" She pulled out her brand new Roddenberry cell phone as it beeped a reminder of a new message. **'Cn't stp thnkin' bout u. Wnt 2 meet l8r?'** With an annoyed grunt, Amy walked away.

Fry stretched and let out a sigh of relief. "Well, I guess that's that!"

"Yep! Plus, I gained a new appreciation for the female version of the human body." Bender drew back his arm and gave a friendly slap on Leela's rump as she walked by.

"OW! Bender!" Leela scolded.

"What? It's a compliment!" Bender said calmly as Leela stormed away, rubbing her sore bum.

"Let's promise to never fight over a woman again." Fry offered.

"It's a promise…unless she's really loaded." Bender added.

"Agreed."

"Put 'er there, my squishy, naked, meatbag buddy!" Bender looked down at Fry's privets curiously. "Uh, Fry…I think you're missing something…"

Fry, noticing exactly what Bender meant, turned and frantically screamed. "OH CRAP! DR ZOIDBERG! PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DISPOSE OF PALORI'S BODY YET! I THINK I LEFT SOMETHING IMPORTANT IN THERE THAT NEEDS TO BE REATTACHED!"

**THE END...PUNY HUMANS!**


End file.
